Should I or Shouldn't I

It's funny how a friendship can start.

Truly, my friendship with him was funny from the very beginning. It's not that it's laughable or what, it's just God's works in a peculiar way.

I was there with him in Yamani, talking about my faith's issues. About why God did this and why God did that. Whether God is real or is just a simple made up by those who seeks to believe there are more than just this world, that life has a purpose. Yeah, those are all the questions that once played in my mind, few years back then.

Anyway, somehow, I spoke about how I like hanging out with him which at that time I categorized him as a 'professional friend' whom I'll meet and talk about stuff that others won't such as philosophy (the easy one) and books and some other small petty but nonetheless unique or bizarre for others.

He got upset with that statement. And we ended up having a pillow talk few days apart which strengthen our bond. Yes we did. We've had a series of them. And every single time we were having pillow talk, I'll get comfier with this guy. He shared stuff that makes me know him in a way that others won't. That trust, it's sort of a marker that we are more than just a normal friend. We are a good friend instead.

Isn't it funny how our friendship started?
What's also funny is about how it seems to come to an end.

Like just now. The reason why I'm typing this tonight.
Our WTees gathering didn't kicked off with a good start. It's him being him. Despite having a functioning damn telephone, for whatever reason, he didn't brought it, which comes to no surprise. But he was late for half an hour and we (who were waiting) were restless thinking of the possibilities that he might be in other place instead. In fact, we found him, right before we were about to left the place.

That's one. It's not about him being tardy but it's because the trouble that he caused by not having a way to be contacted at the time he's late by goddamn half an hour.

Next, we went to the restaurant. We talked and talked. Time's almost done as we made a pact to end it by 10.30pm. However, during our talks, somehow, those God's talk about whether why God did this and not that, surfaced up. I hate that talk. I'm over it. Not sure either it's because for me it's a never ending question and non beneficial, or I'm pretty sure I'll never get satisfied with any answer or maybe, because it reminds me of those suicidal period I had few years ago. And if you are on the same track, it's most probably the third one.

So I went on browsing and scrolling my phone and actually looking at nothing that I pay attention to just trying to leave my mind unfocused of what they were discussing and suddenly BAM! Words came out of his mouth like a sword.

"I am sad at you right now"

Those are very straight forward and blunt but nope, those words were as sharp as it can be.

I replied with anger in my heart, "I am sad at you for the reason you're not on time on the very beginning." I said that as it's already 10.30pm and we should ended the gathering.

No. To be honest, I didn't care about the gathering should end at 10.30pm. We always do that; end things late. But it's because his words hurts me. Simple yet enough. I know at that moment, our friendship will come to it's end because I've saw it. I've seen how friendship breaks because of fights and at last, both gets too tired to continue fighting and choose to stop trying. Yeah, that was me at that moment, I'm feeling as if I was hurt badly and I don't want to try saving a friendship that I deemed will shatter.

But the fault wasn't all his.

As everyone quiet down after that, things reflected. I see clearer of what I am.
It has always been me. The one in the WTees.

The black sheep.
The depressed and suicidal.
The harsh and rough words-guy.
The stupid and arrogant.
The bad one.

And the list goes on and on and on.
And I wonder, should I stay, or go away.



  1. Instead of wondering whether you should stay or go away, why not do something about that stupid list you made yourself?

    Chill boleh tak? Kejap kejap dah la. Sikit sikit tak apa. Janggan selalu sangat weh. Have confidence. Be a real fighter, in your own life.


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